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meaningless

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i look back on this year and i see a big waste of 365 days.
what did i do with all this time? what do i have to show?
a whole lot of nothing,
my pockets emptier than before
my heart more broken than before.
i have less today to hold close than i had a mere 30 days ago
my father doesn't breathe this air anymore
dead
dead
dead
and it hurts to think that i spent all those years building nothing
and i hurts to think that i ran away from home in a sense
that i wasted three years with a guy who didn't give a shit about the family
who cares more for me than we ever let on.
is there something wrong with me that keeps me from shouting out how much i love these people?
i don't know why it's so difficult to speak
so difficult to express how much i cherish our moments
how little i make of the little time we have together
is it a mistake to let things just be
should i strive for more purpose
or just bask in the joy that is togetherness?
why do i always need to make things so damn meaningful?
the search for meaning is meaningless
i should just create meaning or something
what do i mean?

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