Sunday, February 16, 2014

cartastrophe

a fast Audi
runs with the fervor of an antelope,
but not as the one chased
(the prey).
nay, this one runs TOWARD
inevitable death,
a sure catastrophe
at the end of the long, dark tunnel.

incomplete

excuses pile upon
e x c u s e s
as the days fly by,
as i fritter the moments away.
the garbage man comes
but i'm not ready to part with
all my excuses --
come back another day!

these walls i build make me feel
safe and secure.
a delusion, i know,
but i can't accept myself for who i am
so i lean on the external world
to define my self-worth.
why can't i bring myself to remove
this mask of weakness
when i see its outline clearly in the mirror?
why am i content to settle for easy
when a little work would change my world?

Friday, February 14, 2014

i already am

i want to reach out
but can't
if i plan to make the point
i set out to make.
i can't let you control me
by growing dependent
on your approval
but my thoughts prove
i already am.

one day,
too soon,
i will cave
and invite you back
into my caverns.
spelunking is a funny word
but magnetism is only science
and physics are only funny
if your glasses are thicker than mine.

who is this girl
trying to explain chemicals,
trying to deny pheremones' pull
trying to be something other than
the positive to your negative?
why deny the undeniable?
pushing what pulls you only keeps you still
pull me close and push against my walls
until they tumble down.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

sometimes

sometimes
you get me.
you get me like nobody else.
ferreting out secrets and impulses
i've hidden even from myself.

you'll dig up a skeleton one of these days
something i buried lifetimes ago
before i'd learned
just how long the dead go on living.

but how long will it take you
to recognize those bones
as your own?

will tomorrow be our last day of lies
or our first day of truth?

life or death: you decide.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

in need of intrigue

falling asleep as i sit
my body hasn't exerted itself today
not much, anyhow.
but my eyes burn
and itch to close again.
what's on the other side of those eyelids tonight?
nonsense or something easier to interpret?
do you wait for me there,
being the person i imagine you to be,
doing the things i imagine you to?
i hope so
because it's been a boring day
and i could use some intrigue.

Monday, February 10, 2014

empty

I have a mere fifteen minutes to post before the clock turns tomorrow into today, so haiku seems manageable. I was a bit sad to learn that my go-to site for haiku inspiration, Haiku Heights, no longer exists; however, I learned of another forum for haiku lovers called Carpe Diem. The topic wasn't explicit today, but the originating post involved the theme of emptiness in Buddhism. A few syllables, then.

half empty, half full
drink it down to fill it up
life's propelled by change

-- [Are you sure about that last line?]

I imagine I could go deeper (why yes, I do believe she said that) with the topic but my heart is set on a YouTube karaoke playlist rather than typing away right now so I'll leave things there for now.

I may very well be back after I've sung a few tunes... (Or I may just sing myself to sleep.)

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Note to Self

You have a memoir site to look at called Footsteps in the Hourglass.

66

3148666666688986669

That was a little poem my dog Kara wrote, slamming her paw on the keyboard to try to get my attention. I obliged, giving her a little scratch under the chin. She's dozing off now.

I need a little inspiration to jump start my brain today. (It seems that as my mood swings from melancholia to joy, my creative well dries up a bit.) I turn today to The One-Minute Writer, who challenges writers to consider weird and awkward dates. I can think of two such dates, though I'm unsure one minute will be enough time to discuss ONE. Oh well; here goes.

...

my parents didn't trust him
because i met him online
and perhaps i shouldn't have either
but that is looking back
and looking forward to our potential future
there was no room for fear
no time to hold back

so he took me from the safety of my home
to a pool hall of all places
a / dark haven for dark things.
the setting should have been my first clue --
but i was seventeen and hadn't tasted the world
so its shadows intrigued me
and our flirtation kept me from thinking too hard

i can't remember where we went from there
a movie theater
a room underground
where sunlight couldn't penetrate the walls?
but the next few years tried to steal my light
and almost succeeded
but he wasn't for me

i was bitter when things ended
blamed him for changing me
and for refusing to change himself
but i see now we both behaved badly,
cursing one another
for being two different, too different.
we're happier apart

... [play up the darkness element]

The slash was the one minute mark, BTW. I feel like I need to mention the other awkward date while we're on the topic. (I owe you for missing yesterday after all.)

...

as we sat down in the booth
our eyes struggled to meet
at the same time they ached to look away.
we had shared long glances three months now;
it was too soon to attach meaning to that --
wasn't it?

we exchanged small chit-chat about the menu
and negligible details of work and school
but it proved unimportant
and the delay only made our words more necessary.
"i know it's soon but i feel...
"i feel silly saying this but...

it was so proper, so diplomatic.
in another era, our guardians might have done it for us.
but it was our responsibility
to put aside the romance
and say the word that had grown so quickly:
Love.

once we'd said the words
a time and again,
the tension dissipated
and we returned to our romance
and our menus.
our appetite for each other still grows today

Friday, February 7, 2014

almost gone

I haven't written today
Which seems a failure
If you look at it
In the span of days,
This one being empty.
But it's so full
Of joy
Of socialization
Of life.
Ill let this one go without a composition
Because it's composed of life
Which keeps me from decomposing

Thursday, February 6, 2014

what is going on here?

i volunteered for three things two days ago, joined five or six new meetup groups about writing, and used seventeen number-six decals on the posters i made for my last satanist worship service.

i also learned how to fix a faucet. But that was a few months ago, and then, only after attempting and failing to complete the job myself. (So much torque that I just don't have in me.)

when i was fourteen, i was younger.

when i was seventy-three, i didn't.

this has become quite freeform, and i don't know what to do with that. i feel as if i might, in the near future, mine this post for some interesting bits that could grow into something but really don't believe in the post as a whole.

it was very good. it was good. that was good as well. um, definitely helped out. you're my favorite.

f-a-v-o-u-r-i-t-e

origami where's my mommy please don't call me it's so balmy and it's calm. she thought that a paper crane would probably be a nice gift, if just because she could fake some deep feeling and make an EXPERIENCE out of the gift giving ("this crane is significant because...") and get away with spending like a dollar for fancy paper and about ten minutes to find the folding directions on the internet and perfecting it. Fake affection if you really feel it's a good idea.


tomorrow

lying alone in the hallway
as amber light floats from a single dirty bulb
(but the fixture isn't terrible)
there's a reason to go and a place to be
but i can't move...
tomorrow is crawling ever closer
but i shouldn't let it drift away.

i had the urge to get loftier
and parade around some morals
meant to keep the emotional wellness high
but i'm not done soul-searching
and i have fewer answers than before.
so exit stage right, trumpets:
there'll be no fanfare tonight.

no, tonight i hear a distant trumpet and a bongo once and again
and again
once and again.
and the moon shines high above the world
and it's cold and inviting all at the same time
a lover who turns her cheek but turns her cheek,
her body curving into you
but her beautiful face, lips, eyes, BRAIN pull away.

she's not here:
in this world of stability and predictability.
there's no space for different in a world of same.
and maybe she needs excitement.
yes.
she does.

you can't truly claim her until you occupy her mind
but only as a cohabitant, and one with a smaller room at that!
but her thoughts will brush against yours sometimes
because a memory or mystery included you somehow.
you have to make her think
to make her yours.

were you to have this second option rather than the first
as the owner of the mind:
how content could you be with that arrangement, anyhow?
the good and bad from the mind without the excellent horseplay,
(oh, how she brags about her sexpertise!)
your deal is not ideal either.
surely you'll grow tired of the arrangement one day.

and what will she do when she loses your companionship?
who will she become without your light?
with nothing or no one to propel her forwards,
will she start sliding further back?
at what point will the realization come
that leads her to a tough decision?
how much you mean remains to be seen.

maybe tomorrow,
once these hours finish drifting away.


dark as shit

pleasure trumps pain
but pain lets me know i'm still alive.
dulling a blade
only makes it harder to use.
twenty smiles blend into one over time
but i still feel every stab.
Slice me open
and let me live again.

yesterday

i did a whole lot of nothing yesterday
cleaned my face and teeth
put on pajamas
set my mind to no uncompleted goals
so we sat
devoid of pretense
(aside from whatever we bring to the table naturally)
the morning and early afternoon passed
without incident
but the air we exhaled
was rich with meaning
what does it mean
that there's an invisible string
and it feels so natural
to behave unnaturally
who are you to me
i haven't decided

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

the night is full of questions

the chill outside pales,
comparing itself to the chilly interior.
the vacuum pulls you to me
but it's not gravity;
you won't stay forever.

but will you stay tonight?
will you stay tonight?

there's heat enough between us two
to become arsonists --
just just how prolific's up to you.
ashes, ashes
we all fall down.

but will we die tonight?
will we die tonight?

the silence stretches 'cross yawning crevices
how is it nothingness can echo so loud?
your matter-of-fact demeanor
cuts me deeper
than we'd ever dreamed.

but will we speak again tonight?
will we speak again tonight?

[double-time percussion propelling ballad forward -- perhaps delay this effect until first chorus]

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

that's okay

the sun one day
will fade away
the moon's
already on its way
but i have got you
here with me
so that's okay

as darkness spreads
across the sky
and living things
lie down to die
i'll keep you here
right by my side
so that's okay

the tears in my eyes
carry us away
the blood in my heart
will feed us for days
i'll hold you so tight
while evil things play
and that's okay
that's okay

[soaring violin solo]

the tears in my eyes
carry us away
the blood in my heart
will feed us for days
i'll hold you so tight
while evil things play
and that's okay
that's okay