Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Hartman Humor

Mr. Hartman is a dork.
Hes uglier than the ugliest stork.
Hes rusty and twisted like a fork. 
Mr. Hartman is a dork.

Mr. Hartman is a nerd.
Its really not surprising; its really not absurd.
He hears and sees things no ones seen or heard.
Mr. Hartman is a nerd.

Mr. Hartman is so dumb.
He thinks hes cool and number one.
He actually believes his SRP is fun.
Mr. Hartman is so dumb.

Interlude

Stumbling through life, naïve and crude,
I manage to grasp an interlude
From personal simplicity.
Here now I am, my mind now free.
Open door now to my cage,
Which never shall gain be the stage
For my span.  Shift I now another gear;
My souls immobilized by fear.
Cant stay here or grab my case
Of innocence once commonplace
But now so square.  This World of Sphere
Leaveth no room to store such here.
Without an aid or worldly lesson,
I seek new personal possession
Of the mind.  Captivate the brain
(Imperative if you remain)
Within this realm).  Reality
Prompts horror.  Paradoxically,
Loud minds produce quiet and calm
From leg to leg, arm to arm.

Bills

So many words being thrown in my head!
They're waking confusion, but sanity's dead.
My mind is in chaos with each helping hand.
(Compassionate aims bring misfortune unplanned.)
They do not mean harm; they're not senseless brutes
But these seemingly innocent ones stole my roots.
My principles fall with the soil time's tilled.
Speech may be free, but for hearing I'm billed.

Riddle

Traverse my Web, choose a man
To do your job, fit your need.
All laid out, in tidy files;
All await your command.
Caution choose him carefully:
Note his kin, his kind, his king,
His accent heard, see his sense;
Good in one place, not the rest.
Chart his change, your final foot
Falls at my command, it does.
I hold his history in my hand,
As a lingual lord of background checks.















Answer: Dictionary

Introspection 1

My life is a collection of opening and closing lines.

My mind is a novelist who seems to have left out the body of its work.  As my body picks up and quickly abandons projects and hopes and dreams, so does my mind. 

I turn North, South, East, Westwithin each object my eyes land upon is a story I see it, I feel it.  I have just to pick a public medium and share my private thoughts.  And finish them.

My internal artist pounds on its cranial cageRelease me! It cries.  Youve trapped me inside here with so many others and Im running out of air!

Indeed, that is the ideaIve been told Im especially talented a modern-day Renaissance Woman, if you will.  And I exercise those talents?

Sparingly.  Rather than showcase my talents by using them, I imprison them in my mind, where they become a pile of lost potential. 

And I have the audacity to boast of my amazing potential, creating another more conspicuous pile of bullshit!

Yes, bullshit.  Potential is nothing without action to make it useful.  The most successful man in this world (measure that in money or happiness; thats your own choice) didnt get to his position with potential.  You seeeveryone has potential (we must be born with it) even a bum hiccupping in a city alley.  Those that truly stand out are those with potential converters. 

Oh joyIm back into philosophizing mode (with a tinge of motivational speaker).  Departing knowledge of which I have an incomplete understandingBut to understand, one must first misunderstand.  (Says Em-ocrates.)

Introspection 2

[The hardest thing about growing up is] the feeling I get in my stomach, wondering if Im going to screw up everything for myself.  I wonder if everything will work out, I wonder if I can live on my own later.  I worry about everythingIm paranoid.  But its the hardest thing.  That and saying goodbye to all the things you knew before whether it be a friend, family member, memory, or just your attitude.  Yeah, that really bites: losing the attitude of a child where everything is so amazing and youre so happythen all of the sudden, youre [pissed off] all the time and worried about whats going to happen and then you discover what can only be called phantom worries.  A plague of the teenage years, full of worries like Am I self-centered?  Inadequate?  Unprepared?  Lazy?   Useless?  Psychotic?  And they never seem to stop.  There is no escape.

Silly quotes

[One through eight are from ONLINE ROLEPLAY SESSIONS with some friends.  Nine is a joke between Lindsay - a long-lost friend - and I.]

1) "I'm not trying to get in your pants; my phone is ringing."
2) "Congratulations.  Not only are you a dork, but you're also a spaz."
3) "Sometimes being shallow is a bad thing.  Sometimes, you just want to go DEEP"
4) "Oh, so you amazingly remember where the hottub is.  Interesting...I dont imagine you could amazingly recall where you keep the condoms?"
5) "If she doesnt think you're the asshole of the world, can I think so?"
6)       ~   Oh man.
        ~  Oh man?  Yes, I am a man.
7) "Im going to have to ask you to stay there or leave your calculator behind before returning to the group."
8)      ~   Sometimes I feel like I'm such a bore to you.
         ~   Sometimes you are.  
9) "You've gotta get chummy before you get yummy."
How do you know when it's true love?
How do you know you're meant to be?
How do you know it was planned above?
How do I know he was meant for me?

Is it in the way he speaks my name?
Or is it the way he plays the game?
Is there a real test for him to take
To choose the step that I'm to make?

How do you know they're the missing piece?
How do you know it's soon-to-be?
How do you know together you'll find peace?
How do I know she was meant for me?

Is it in the way she combs her hair?
Or is it the way she fills the air?
Is there a sure way for me to learn
If she is the cure for my heart's burn?

How will we know if "we" even exists?
How will we know it's destiny?
How will we know if this is true love's kiss?
How will we know we were meant to be?

Is it the passion that we breed?
Or is it the angst our feelings freed?
Is there a true path to certainty?
Or does our real fate lie in our need?

I Feel

i feel the water, over my head
i feel the falling, out of my bed
i feel the pain, most always do
when i can't be close to you

i feel the knives, stabbing into me
i feel the evil only i see
i feel the pain, most always do
when i can't be close to you

i feel it all, this feeling is sick
i feel it all, hope the end comes quick
i feel it when you're not by my side
with you by me this feeling will die

i feel the teeth, cutting into me
i feel the hurt of a stinging bee
i feel the pain, most always do
when i can't be close to you

i feel the gun and the bullet hit
i fel that it's not all i'll get
i feel the pain, most always do
when i can't be close to you

i feel it all, this feeling is sick
i feel it all, hope the end comes quick
i feel it when you're not by my side
with you by me this feeling will die

Nothing Is Complete


I'm standing in the midst
Of what future lies ahead.
My feet seem stuck to the ground
'Cause I can't forget what you said.

I struggle to look through the fog -
To see what good may come.
Yet clouds will never leave the sky
Until we resume life as one.

Nothing is complete
Without you right here by my side.
An impossible feat:
To live without you to guide
The way I react to things around me,
The ways I deal with my pain,
The things I do to say I love you
And show you alone life can't be the same.

Silence seems to be the
Only noise around
But I must not be listening,
For your ears are covered by another sound.

The scent of you surrounds me.
Your aroma swells so strong.
You seem so close but aren't -
What did I ever do wrong?

Nothing is complete
Without you right here by my side.
An impossible feat:
To live without you to guide
The way I react to things around me,
The ways I deal with my pain,
The things I do to say I love you
And show you alone life can't be the same.

I thought that we were meant to be
Together for all time.
But what I thought to be eternity
Was just a foolish dream of mine.

My fingers will not let you go;
My heart still cries for you.
How could you fail to embrace the fact
You're the one I've given my heart to?

Nothing is complete
Without you right here by my side.
An impossible feat:
To live without you to guide
The way I react to things around me,
The ways I deal with my pain,
The things I do to say I love you
And show you alone life can't be the same.

Nothing is complete
Without you right here by my side
And impossible feat (I'll encounter)
Never having you again as my guide.

The One I Trust

You say you love me -
No you don't.
You say I need you -
Oh, I won't.
You say all these things
And you tell all these lies
That's when I look to the skies.

I get down on my knees
And I ask the Lord, please,
To come and set me free.
He grabs hold of my chains and they bust.
He helps me up, brushing off the dust.
He's the One I trust.

You say it's always been like this:
The exact same as our first kiss.
If you want me to believe
In what you say,
You'll have to learn from Him someday.

I get down on my knees
And I ask the Lord, please,
To come and set me free.
He grabs hold of my chains and they bust.
He helps me up, brushing off the dust.
He's the One I trust.

You say without me you can't live.
(Then why don't you know how to give?)
You say I'm important -
You don't talk to me -
Prove your love and make a plea.

I get down on my knees
And I ask the Lord, please,
To come and set me free.
He grabs hold of my chains and they bust.
He helps me up, brushing off the dust.
He's the One I trust.

Rain Down on Me

You and I had been together
For the longest time.
We spent so much time together,
I thought we were two-of-a-kind.

Then it all changed:
It all began to rain
Down on me.
I finally came to realize
You were meant to make me cry.
Now I see.

When you had another girl
And we met once more,
I said our end didn't mean the world.
(I broke down behind my bedroom door.)

Then it all changed:
It all began to rain
Down on me.
I finally came to realize
You were meant to make me cry.
Now I see.

When I'd finally gotten through
The heartbreak you'd given me,
Who showed up on my steps - you!
I told you we won't ever be.

Then it all changed:
It all began to rain
Down on you.
You finally came to realize
I were meant to make me cry.
Now you see.

Then it all changed:
It all began to rain
Down on me.
I finally came to realize
You were meant to make me cry.
Now I see.

My Angel

I didn't look to the sky when my angel came to me.
I didn't pray to God for this angel to come visit me.
I didn't even expect this angel would come to be
the one I'll be with for eternity.

This angel was a mystery - I never would expect
that this angel here could make such an effect
on my life (which it changed now and forever).
I'm so glad my angel and I will always be together.

I didn't hear the joyous singing in my ear.
I didn't feel the love make my fear disappear.
I didn't even know that my angel standing here
was the one I'll be with till the end of my years.

This angel was a mystery - I never would expect
that this angel here could make such an effect
on my life (which it changed now and forever).
I'm so glad my angel and I will always be together.

I didn't smell the fragrance of one red rose.
I didn't feel the light kiss on my nose.
i didn't, at that moment, even know
It's with this one i'll stay and with this one i'll go.

This angel was a mystery - I never would expect
that this angel here could make such an effect
on my life (which it changed now and forever).
I'm so glad my angel and I will always be together.

Sometimes I Give In

Sometimes I give into temptation.
Why do I do what I shouldn't do?
Sometimes it all seems too impossible.
What keeps life from falling through?

Sometimes I don't give and I just take.
Why must I be such a greedy soul?
Sometimes I feel like I'm so unworthy.
Should I be allowed to walk on this world?

There's many wonders that lie untold,
Yet these are the ones that interest me.
You may not get the picture of it, but
In my life I find what all you cannot see.

Sometimes I give into people's pressure.
Why do I lack the power to say no?
Sometimes I feel like I've made no progress.
Why don't I have anything to show?

Sometimes I carry a blanket of loneliness.
Why do I always spend time all alone?
Sometimes I feel like I'm always at fault.
Why is it that I inflict this pain on my own?

There's many wonders that lie untold,
Yet these are the ones that interest me.
You may not get the picture of it, but
In my life I find what all you cannot see.

Not one mirror broken

Not one mirror broken;
Not one task undone.
Not one lie told today;
Nor pain been inflicted.
The feelings of regret, selfishness, woe,
Fill up my heart until it can hold no more.
It all seems to happen no matter the circumstances.
All there is left to do is believe.
Yet the consequences still lie here,
Floating in the air.
The problems begin once more,
Although it seems not right.
The feelings of regret, selfishness, woe,
Fill up my heart until it can hold no more.
It all seems to happen no matter the circumstances.
All there is left to do is believe.
Believe there's still hope that a day will come soon -
A day when all is well and nice and good,
A day when nothing in life seems to fall apart.
That is that day I look to for strength.

For Megan

If you're like most people in the world ... you're walking around the world, happily ignorant of the existence of a man we like to call Eric Hartman.  Well, allow me to shatter your happiness and introduce this character and illustrate the humor that exists in this man.  Enjoy the ride...
Forgive the lack of illustration, as I just spent an entire hour drawing up some cartoons only to find out the scanner won't work.  Wonderful.  It looks like one of YOU lucky individuals will get an original!  But anyway...here's the dialogue for the long-lost strips conceived in 8th grade.
********************************************************
ERIC: Come on; you know you wanna step under the mistletoe!
          {mistletoe in place of loincloth}

ERIC: {poking airholes into a large cardboard box} Okay, theres the last airhole gosh, shell just love this she LOVES surprises! {climbs inside box; sent through the mail in this box labeled "To My Dingbat Wife"}
WIFE: {finds box on front porch} Um...I think I'll leave this one here until after breakfast. {walks away}

TEACHER: Okay, kids...today we will discuss "beatniks" and their poetry.  Now the thing that creates the magic of beatnik poetry is not the words, not the expressions...it is simply...THE BONGOS!   Let me hear 'em!  {Bongos begin.}
STUDENT: Um...Mr. Hartman, could you please stop dancing?

ERIC: I've covered all the bases.  I got the threads, I got the attitude...heck, I even got the elbow pads.
YOU: Well, Eric...I've got to admit - I'm impressed!
ERIC: I'm glad you're diggin' my style.  It's time to ride the hog.  {Pig oinks}
YOU: Okay, I take that back.

{Sign on storefront reads "Belly Dancers Needed."  Eric enters the store.}
ERIC: What do you MEAN, "I don't have the body?"  Isn't this called belly dancing for a reason?  Watch my belly dance!  {jiggles his stomach happily}
OWNER: Oh, my lord!

ERIC: {singing "Genie in a Bottle"} I've got the voice.  I've got the moves.  And I've SURE AS HELL got the body...Where's MY record deal?
ERIC: {extends a business card that has the word "meaty-err-ol..." crossed out, replaced with "weatherman" to a potential employer}
EMPLOYER: Weatherman, huh?  If you're such a great weatherman, what's your forecast?
ERIC: Well, I predict that it will become sunny if the clouds go away. 

ERIC: {Watching TV} Well, if Pooh can do it... {goes into a public place with a red midriff shirt on, nothing else and starts singing to the tune of the "Winnie
the Pooh" theme} "Eric Hartman...sexy I am...doo doo doo!"
BYSTANDER 1: Oh my lord!
BYSTANDER 2: Mommy!
BYSTANDER 3: Someone call 9-1-1!
BYSTANDER 4: Disgusting!  Put some clothes on!

WIFE: I know I'm just your dingbat wife, but do you mind telling me what is around your neck?
ERIC: Why, it's my ice, baby!  Bling-bling!

ERIC: You ready for some full-out boot-knockin'?
WIFE: Um...you're too much for me, Eric.
ERIC: Aww, baby - you flatter me.  Come over here!
WIFE: Aren't we out of milk?  I'll go get some.  {Door slams with her exit}

Ridiculous Ideas for Christmas Cards (not recommended)

Yeah, so I used to go to all the trouble of MAKING handmade cards for all of my friends and family around the holidays and birthdays.  It gave me a chance to exercise my crafty, artsy side ... and express crazy ideas that were building up in my head. 
God knows high school - 3/4's at least - were full of great memories ... so I choose to reminisce.  Join me if you so choose.  Just step inside my tent (it's very roomy) ...
********************************************************
FRONT) Have you ever stopped to realize the irony of a washing machine?  You put clothes in it and they come out clean.  Yet, if you were to scribble all over the washing machine with a red crayon, it couldnt couldnt wash itself.
INSIDE) Think about that when the boredom of Christmas break sets in.

********************************************************
FRONT) Im not going to use this Christmas card as an opportunity to brag about how much smarter than you I amor how much more interesting I amor how much more sophisticated I am
INSIDE) Im just going to use this opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmas!

************** I do believe this was for Jennifer D. ***************
**************    (I'll show YOU, stinky coconut!)     ***************

FRONT) A LITTLE STORY TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY (AND HOLIDAY):            Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Tony.  Tony sucked.  End of story.
INSIDE) Merry Christmas!

***************   Ah...so we meet again, Lil' Asian.  **************
*************** My arch-nemesis (okay, maybe just **************
***************     my competition) in high school.    **************
***************          Luv ya, Tony - I promise!       **************

FRONT) A single building block is rather useless.  However, a whole stack of building blocks combines to form a tower.  A single purple towel simply smells.  However, a whole stack of purple towels has the added benefit of making an obscure essay idea that will perplex people for eternity.
INSIDE) Oh well.  Nice try anyway.

***************   Mocking Chris #2's first attempt at   **************
*************** his NYU (?) entrance essay, I believe. **************

FRONT) A CHRISTMAS STORY FOR YOUOnce upon a time, there was a panda named Patches.  Patches had a steady diet of bamboo bamboo for breakfast, bamboo for lunch, bamboo for dinner, bamboo for in-between-breakfast-and-lunch snacks, bamboo forwell, you get the idea.  He ate a lot of bamboo.  One Christmas, Patches grew tired of the bamboo and went out searching for a new kind of food.  After searching for a period of time, Patches came across some Chinese children bouncing a strange, orange, spherical object on a concrete surface.  Patches watched for a bit and was about to walk away when the sphere of orange rolled up to him.  Oblivious to the young childrens cries as he did so, Patches picked up the orange object and proceeded to take a nibble into it.  Tiny nibble turned into medium bite turned into huge chomp, and before he knew it, Patches had devoured the whole orange sphere.  With nothing left to hold his interest, Patches looked to the Chinese children to find them bawling, the tears from their eyes dropping to the concrete.  Patches soon joined in, his tears raining down on the blades of grass that surrounded him.  He couldnt help himself although the orange object had given Patches stomach satisfaction, it had stolen the childrens joy, and, in turn, his own.
INSIDE) MORAL: Always carry an extra basketball.

**************    I have no earthly idea where THIS   **************
************** came from...But Mrs. Karavitis liked it! **************

FRONT) A young sinusoid was eager to get out on his own.  He approached his mother to announce his plans and to slyly ask for a little help on his way.  The sinusoid, however, couldnt bring himself to ask for his mothers help.  His mother, following a maternal instinct, asked her son what he had really come for.  Looking at his shoes, the young sinusoid began expressing his need for his own car.  After a period of time, his mother interrupted him and asked flat out: What do you want from me?  What do you want me to do?  The young sinusoid sheepishly looked up at his mother and answered
INSIDE) "Cosin."

************** Junior YR. Calculus with Spitler!  Zzzz. **************
FRONT) Fact #1: You have an unusually large family.Fact #2: If an unusually large family decided to form a synchronized swimming team, they would need an unusually large number of goggles.Fact #3: Unless you come across an amazing[ly illogical] deal, an unusually large number of goggles costs more than a single pair.
Fact #4: A true friend is brutally honest.CONCLUSION: An unusually large family like your own would need an unusually large number of goggles to form a synchronized swimming team.  Honestly speaking (brutally, of course), I have not come across any amazing[ly] illogical deals on goggles, so following this unusually strange goal that your unusually large family may decide to pursue at some point in time may require an unusually large amount of money.
INSIDE) SUGGESTION: START SAVING NOW.

************* I should be committed.  But c'mon, who **************
*************     doesn't love a big Mormon family?     **************
*************       (And synchronized swimming.)        **************

FRONT) I hear those sleigh bells, jing-ting-tinglin too
INSIDE) And they're so annoying!

***************    I don't know that this was used.   ***************
FRONT) So Im cheapbrokepoor  But I DID manage to get you this. 
INSIDE) {{dirty sock}} If I find its match next time I look through the dirty clothes, Ill get it to you

************************* Eww. **************************
FRONT) This Christmas, relive the joys of Christmas past.  Wake up at dawn to open presents.  Unwrap all of your presents.  Unwrap all of your presents, searching for a Malibu Barbie  (If you dont get it, pout).  But just this year lets refrain from putting your bows on your head and insisting on your special powers!
INSIDE) Have a great Christmas!

*********************** Well, that's odd. *********************
FRONT) Ashley, for the past fewmonths, years, whateverweve talked about potato this potato that.
INSIDE) Well, POTATO THIS! {{potato chip}}

******************  I blame Mr. Potato Head. *******************