Sunday, December 28, 2014

looking

looking for something
outside of myself
to make my insides
feel fulfilled
but as the orchestra swells
i still feel empty

purge 2

it was always your job
to be proud of our successes
but i can't help but admire you
for what you grew within us:
four self-sufficient adults
(or as much as one can be)
thank you with every breath
for all your continued blessings.

driftwood:
weathered and worn
but still here
and so damn beautiful.

there's a fine line
between acceptance and resignation,
between curiosity and obsession
between weakness and silent strength

some might say you need
a good kick in the ass,
a nice punch to the face.
but really, you just need
a place to find some love

a love that defies convention
and exceeds all bounds,
a passion so bright it burns so fast.
but the passion we had
and the passion we've lost
exceeds my daydreams and
paints my memories
with such intense colors

i haven't met you
or even learned your name
but you're in my heart
even if not my womb,
and i'm ready
to sacrifice myself for you.
i won't rush perfection --
you'll come when you're ready --
but i'm ready to give everything that i am
to make you who you are.

uneven and mismatched

a heart may be precious
but it's not a diamond
and papercuts bleed

a heart may be reckless
love's wrecked many ships
before i became your casual casualty

bridges burn, naturally.
wood's no more permanent than
eroding shores of evaporating seas

trust is easily lost
but there's no chance
to cultivate it
if i can't have some faith.

so i will stand
as the bridges burn
and cling to you
as we sink from the shore,
carried away by the current.
we will evaporate one day together.

so much easier

writing's so much easier
alone.
without him rustling covers
and you in my head.
you're there still
but without your mortal coil adjacent,
there's no resonance
to interfere with my thoughts.
i love you both in equilibrium.
don't make me choose.
a system tends toward chaos.
i welcome your promise of disorder.
uneven roads: a better ride.

so many words

so many words.
unimpeded by formality and decorum,
i write what i want
even though it pains me to admit
and let loose these truths.
to keep the ships in the harbor
would deprive them of their purpose.
i have feelings,
at time inconvenient and untimely,
that should not be buried.
to love across boundaries is commendable,
but to stomp upon tradition, convention...
what reward for the stomper?
i cannot turn away from a commitment;
i cannot burn the bridge i'm standing on;
i cannot stop loving him to pursue another.
and yet i do,
and yet i itch to dive off this bridge
and swim after him.
what to do with these feelings?
they are not going anywhere
and i don't know how to make them
go away.

purge

hello, animals.
i am female and fertile.
life is at a high
and happiness is too.

buttons pressed
just hard enough
sometimes jam.

alphabetize your desires
and they will be attended to.
patience, dear one.
give it time.
and when it's time
it will come.
do you feel the moonlight?
can you hear the echo
of a day gone by?
heed it not; accept today.

your magical verisimilitude
convinced me that you were real.
but i hadn't yet learned
to recognize a reproduction.


the flesh is weak
when prodded by the id.

i don't want to be your Aphrodite --
i'm so much more than a pretty doll on a shelf.
don't launch a hundred ships,
for Helen doesn't share my shoes.
today i'll prove i'm your Artemis,
fighting for you,
setting my aim on your frame.

sometimes it takes a little groping
to find your footing
when you're climbing a cliff.

did you take advantage
or did i give you the advantage?

lacquer on another coat of paint,
rearrange the chairs.
transform the externalities all you like
but know you cannot feng shui yourself
out of today.

tomorrow's waiting behind yonder door
and you're going over its threshold anyway.
why not set the terms yourself
and open the door with your own hand?

when did my eyes open the door
that you strolled through?

a couple inches closer and we
could have had something there.
i don't know how much longer
we can subsist on innuendo and suggestion --
i am propositioning you and
if you ever realize how wide open i am
you'll invade me.

something terrible lies
just beyond the bend in the road.
whose terrible awaits us ahead?

i've done some bad things
and considered so much worse.
who drew this blurry line
between faithful and faithless
and when did i decide to tread that path?
right or wrong, i'm here today.

whose terrible terrible terror awakens today?

your covetous eyes have landed on another's shore.
eyes and hands are different species,
and only one can tunnel deep inside.

whose terrible shall i stroke today? (ummm...)


begin a dance of whimsical delay

suddenly stepping back
from a lover's moment of release
and depriving him of completion
is either cruel or generous,
depending on your next step.

begin a dance of whimsical delay:
coyly return to a time before attachment,
when the currents of the scenario
weren't even ripples in the stream.
relive the path back to fulfillment

Virtual artifice

Again, another self-imposed silence.
Not out of spite or any misconduct,
as everything I've built you up to be
is still true, since the virtual artifice
is the only forum we have.
One day -- nay, two --
we shared a sleeping place.
So innocently guised,
a brother cradling sis'
while she fell into another realm --
but t'was not half so innocent,
for we'd enveloped one another
in our personas,
allowed each other to leap
from stranger to lover
in a single night --
Nay, a single breath,
as pheremones linked our bodies
long before slothful minds
could catch up.
How long can the chains
of society and etiquette
resist our magnetic pull?
'Tis true,
was the same with he before,
but time healed wounds
and silence passion in those days.
Will it again?

Sunday, December 14, 2014

hmm

i've never known
what kind of person i was meant to be
that's truer now today.

without you here
my voice of reason
has lost its voice


i don't know up from down
i can't stop hating myself for meandering
and it's true:
i've never been direct
but i'm feeling pretty pointless
right about now.


the point is
i need you here
and i don't know how to float on my own
so i think i'll drown for a while



maybe i wasn't
meant to lean on you so hard that i
couldn't stand on my own.
but this must be
the cruelest way
to learn the lesson

how can i fill myself back up
when you helped me build the self i was?
i don't recognize myself these days
and the mirror's a stranger
that i want to shatter
and build back again.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

words are inadequate

write write write
in hopes that something will flow out
other than the sewage that's filling my mind these days
winter -- or whatever this in-between time that the calendar
doesn't actually allow to be called "winter" because it's not official --
pushes me toward self-criticism and self-loathing
and i'm broken more than usual because of this crushing loss
so i can't rebound like i should
there's no voice of reason telling my inner critic to shut up
and i have lost my bearings and i don't know which way is up
or if i'm just going to keep drowning here
waiting for the sun to return.

the only thing i can do to retain some semblance of realism
is to distract myself from the heartache and heart break
but are these lies keeping me from feeling what i need to feel
keeping me from going through this tunnel of darkness
i don't know how to grieve
because i can't say goodbye
and i refuse because he isn't gone
but he's gone from this world and i just can't accept that yet.

how does this work?
i say i miss you
i say i'll always love you
i try to come to grips with this absence you've left
and trying isn't doing anything
and those days when i don't think about you hardly at all
i feel so damn guilty afterward
like i should be mourning with every breath
like i should be standing still to feel the fullness of my loss
and i do that and i don't feel any better
i'm reminded how much i miss you and
how i didn't understand sorrow until i didn't have you to soothe my pain
i know i can't stand still and
i know i can't cry every second
and i know i can't hurt with every cell of my being
or can i? because i do and i have and i will forever.
there's no fix for what's broken
because there's no bringing you back.

words are inadequate
and i try to be so damn erudite
when it hurts and there's nothing more to it.
i never understood how someone could walk forward
when memories and pain were pulling him back
and maybe i never will
but i'm still on this world
and i have to live your legacy
because you gave me life
and i have to do something with it
and sometimes i feel like i'm wasting air
and sometimes i feel like i'm wasting potential
and sometimes i feel like there's so much more
but i can't make myself move
when i'm stuck thinking about how much i miss you
but the memories keep me going at the same time they hold me here
and i don't know what to say or do or feel
but i miss you.
and i love you always.

meaningless

i look back on this year and i see a big waste of 365 days.
what did i do with all this time? what do i have to show?
a whole lot of nothing,
my pockets emptier than before
my heart more broken than before.
i have less today to hold close than i had a mere 30 days ago
my father doesn't breathe this air anymore
dead
dead
dead
and it hurts to think that i spent all those years building nothing
and i hurts to think that i ran away from home in a sense
that i wasted three years with a guy who didn't give a shit about the family
who cares more for me than we ever let on.
is there something wrong with me that keeps me from shouting out how much i love these people?
i don't know why it's so difficult to speak
so difficult to express how much i cherish our moments
how little i make of the little time we have together
is it a mistake to let things just be
should i strive for more purpose
or just bask in the joy that is togetherness?
why do i always need to make things so damn meaningful?
the search for meaning is meaningless
i should just create meaning or something
what do i mean?