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Showing posts from December, 2014

purge 2

it was always your job to be proud of our successes but i can't help but admire you for what you grew within us: four self-sufficient adults (or as much as one can be) thank you with every breath for all your continued blessings. driftwood: weathered and worn but still here and so damn beautiful. there's a fine line between acceptance and resignation, between curiosity and obsession between weakness and silent strength some might say you need a good kick in the ass, a nice punch to the face. but really, you just need a place to find some love a love that defies convention and exceeds all bounds, a passion so bright it burns so fast. but the passion we had and the passion we've lost exceeds my daydreams and paints my memories with such intense colors i haven't met you or even learned your name but you're in my heart even if not my womb, and i'm ready to sacrifice myself for you. i won't rush perfection -- you'll co

uneven and mismatched

a heart may be precious but it's not a diamond and papercuts bleed a heart may be reckless love's wrecked many ships before i became your casual casualty bridges burn, naturally. wood's no more permanent than eroding shores of evaporating seas trust is easily lost but there's no chance to cultivate it if i can't have some faith. so i will stand as the bridges burn and cling to you as we sink from the shore, carried away by the current. we will evaporate one day together.

so much easier

writing's so much easier alone. without him rustling covers and you in my head. you're there still but without your mortal coil adjacent, there's no resonance to interfere with my thoughts. i love you both in equilibrium. don't make me choose. a system tends toward chaos. i welcome your promise of disorder. uneven roads: a better ride.

so many words

so many words. unimpeded by formality and decorum, i write what i want even though it pains me to admit and let loose these truths. to keep the ships in the harbor would deprive them of their purpose. i have feelings, at time inconvenient and untimely, that should not be buried. to love across boundaries is commendable, but to stomp upon tradition, convention... what reward for the stomper? i cannot turn away from a commitment; i cannot burn the bridge i'm standing on; i cannot stop loving him to pursue another. and yet i do, and yet i itch to dive off this bridge and swim after him. what to do with these feelings? they are not going anywhere and i don't know how to make them go away.

purge

hello, animals. i am female and fertile. life is at a high and happiness is too. buttons pressed just hard enough sometimes jam. alphabetize your desires and they will be attended to. patience, dear one. give it time. and when it's time it will come. do you feel the moonlight? can you hear the echo of a day gone by? heed it not; accept today. your magical verisimilitude convinced me that you were real. but i hadn't yet learned to recognize a reproduction. the flesh is weak when prodded by the id. i don't want to be your Aphrodite -- i'm so much more than a pretty doll on a shelf. don't launch a hundred ships, for Helen doesn't share my shoes. today i'll prove i'm your Artemis, fighting for you, setting my aim on your frame. sometimes it takes a little groping to find your footing when you're climbing a cliff. did you take advantage or did i give you the advantage? lacquer on another coat of paint, rearrang

begin a dance of whimsical delay

suddenly stepping back from a lover's moment of release and depriving him of completion is either cruel or generous, depending on your next step. begin a dance of whimsical delay: coyly return to a time before attachment, when the currents of the scenario weren't even ripples in the stream. relive the path back to fulfillment

Virtual artifice

Again, another self-imposed silence. Not out of spite or any misconduct, as everything I've built you up to be is still true, since the virtual artifice is the only forum we have. One day -- nay, two -- we shared a sleeping place. So innocently guised, a brother cradling sis' while she fell into another realm -- but t'was not half so innocent, for we'd enveloped one another in our personas, allowed each other to leap from stranger to lover in a single night -- Nay, a single breath, as pheremones linked our bodies long before slothful minds could catch up. How long can the chains of society and etiquette resist our magnetic pull? 'Tis true, was the same with he before, but time healed wounds and silence passion in those days. Will it again?

hmm

i've never known what kind of person i was meant to be that's truer now today. without you here my voice of reason has lost its voice i don't know up from down i can't stop hating myself for meandering and it's true: i've never been direct but i'm feeling pretty pointless right about now. the point is i need you here and i don't know how to float on my own so i think i'll drown for a while maybe i wasn't meant to lean on you so hard that i couldn't stand on my own. but this must be the cruelest way to learn the lesson how can i fill myself back up when you helped me build the self i was? i don't recognize myself these days and the mirror's a stranger that i want to shatter and build back again.

words are inadequate

write write write in hopes that something will flow out other than the sewage that's filling my mind these days winter -- or whatever this in-between time that the calendar doesn't actually allow to be called "winter" because it's not official -- pushes me toward self-criticism and self-loathing and i'm broken more than usual because of this crushing loss so i can't rebound like i should there's no voice of reason telling my inner critic to shut up and i have lost my bearings and i don't know which way is up or if i'm just going to keep drowning here waiting for the sun to return. the only thing i can do to retain some semblance of realism is to distract myself from the heartache and heart break but are these lies keeping me from feeling what i need to feel keeping me from going through this tunnel of darkness i don't know how to grieve because i can't say goodbye and i refuse because he isn't gone but he's g

meaningless

i look back on this year and i see a big waste of 365 days. what did i do with all this time? what do i have to show? a whole lot of nothing, my pockets emptier than before my heart more broken than before. i have less today to hold close than i had a mere 30 days ago my father doesn't breathe this air anymore dead dead dead and it hurts to think that i spent all those years building nothing and i hurts to think that i ran away from home in a sense that i wasted three years with a guy who didn't give a shit about the family who cares more for me than we ever let on. is there something wrong with me that keeps me from shouting out how much i love these people? i don't know why it's so difficult to speak so difficult to express how much i cherish our moments how little i make of the little time we have together is it a mistake to let things just be should i strive for more purpose or just bask in the joy that is togetherness? why do i always need to m