One-A-Day

why does my body hold you when my mind named you an obstacle before your hurdle was laid in my path? i know you're unnecessary -- an expansion pack I don't need -- yet you still linger in my cells (like a dormant pathogen) after all this time.  it's been a year almost and your mystique still enchants me and i hope without Hope's blessing that my essence sleeps in your subconscious too. awakening when you least expect it and impeding your momentum when forward is the only option. we hold each other stagnant; by clinging to the hypothetical we distance ourselves from the plausible. our coloring sheets were never intended to be more than black-and-white. why do i cling to the possibility of nothingness that "us" entails? i'm addicted to you though i've never partaken.

i asked you once to cook for me you probably don't remember such a minor conversation but i do. and you did. let's put significance where it doesn't belong like a cheesy romance and pretend it means something when it's just sustenance but isn't hope the same thing? and isn't faith just confidence that things will be ok? and they are. we're not an entity; we'd never have added up right. besides, i've already used my plus-sign. (and multiplication is imminent) perhaps the division was necessary for a while because now the shavings of graphite have blown away, but i can't handle subtraction with you.

temptation you are even if you have no desire to be desired so you are the same. your presence plagues me at the same time that your absence pains me. how can i stop that with no true origin? you grew hydroponically despite your lack of traditional nurturing here you are. do you know where here is? i didn't designate a plot for your crop but you're here all the same, like a seed whose germination point lies far from its parent stem. what do i do now? you've infiltrated my compound without any intent to do so. you've sowed discontent, although i've never spread your seed. if you're not involved if you're not to blame how can you be involved how can i make YOU part of the equation that only involves me + me. my imagination takes me down many roads and this time i tread yours without your permission. can i make myself turn away or revert to the true course or retrace my steps? you are not part of this. i am only attempting to en...

i try to cripple your strength by talking circles around you talking with my pen as my vocal cords cannot compete with the muscles in my fingers and those in my mind. despite my strength of mind and digits i cannot confine you to a space. most days i feel that this intangible fence has fooled me into ignoring you just long enough for you to escape through the barbs and just long enough for me to stop caring so much. but other days, when noise is insufficient to shut out the incessant emptiness i hear you again. i know it's not truly you -- just my imagined you -- even so, i am transported to a place where you are central and i cannot stop wondering who you really are and why you had to leave.

i fear that while my acts are repressible (reprehensible?) my feelings cannot be forgotten (nor forgiven?) i've broken it. (can it be fixed?)

i've buried you deep inside, a shiv sheathed in my heart. i slid into cardiac tissue sensing the danger of the blade but never the impossibility of pulling you loose. i thought i'd cauterized the wound with our heat. and its abrupt end. but the absence mislead me. it made my heart grow fonder of the blade threatening to separate atrium from ventricle. why do i cling to dreams that cannot be fulfilled? why can't i drop what cannot be and let self-destructive aspirations dry up like a raisin in the sun? i doom myself to live between contentment and sabotage, a silly game of subterfuge spent hiding behind blades of air, hills of wind on a plateau where all my acts are all too clear if i draw anyone's eye. i need to grab the hilt and pull you out. but i fear i'd just push you back in.