Friday, September 19, 2014

gallop

days pass me by and i don't even feel it
will it gallop like this 'til i'm dead?
if i enjoy the meaninglessness
who's to say i'm wasting my life?
we've each got one life to live --
one span of moments --
i have to believe consciousness is eternal
otherwise i cannot cope with the mundane.
stop judging, start living
and accept what is rather than what could be.
this isn't to say i should stop moving,
because that's impossible until i'm six feet below.

sigh

our intertwined fingers strain the sunlight from its glaring spot in the sky. my eyes burn when i look away from your face -- is the sun to blame, or just my heart? i am torn between where i'm supposed to be and where i want to be: in your arms. and yet we remain apart, two bodies aching to join but afraid to challenge the expectations in the air.

even today, when we have learned a sort of etiquette, we remain unbalanced. society forces us apart but there's a string drawing us together, some sort of connection that we can't deny. i feel selfish to crave everything i see, but i can't lie to myself anymore. i can't live without reaching for more.

i am happy where i am. happy in stability. and most days i can accept that; he's exactly what i need and what i want and yet i always crave more. i want to be off balance. i want to be unfulfilled because it makes me work for more. i am much more productive, much more creative...without something solid to fall back on. is it fair to him that i've settled?

and yet i know he's the perfect fit for me and that i should stop searching. i don't know how to make something worthwhile with a pen without something in my loins driving me to say something. i've gotten to this point where i can't be innovative without some passion

hmm

there's this happy medium
between sober and blitzed
where i am creative and productive
i ache to be at that point of intersection
but fear i've gone past the point of no return.

i want to write this masterpiece
but if i set out to create something profound
all i will find is sludge.
so i need to change my mindset
and seek the middle ground.

why i've made stanzas i've no idea.
why i still pursue you
with the knowledge that nothing can come of it
eludes me still.
my teasing hurts me more than you but you'll never believe it.

brainstorm

golden rays of sunlight
strained by our intertwined fingers
the scuffed plastic of the lounge chairs
maybe i'll ponder the source of their ruggedness one day.
the surface of the pool aches for something to break its smoothness
yet all i can do is trace your lines,
looking for something new.
the novelty of you attracted me that day,
but what is it today that makes me continue my pursuit?
there is something within you that makes me question myself.
is there something more beyond that hill?
i continue to trudge up its incline
with no goal in sight.
i move to move, numbness encircling me.
but i feel when you enter my mind.
come back again and set me afire.