One-A-Day

maybe i should just stop trying so hard. i mean, i still need to be focused writing reading singing laughing cooking but i can loosen up and not be a prescriptionist about everything or perhaps not.

i am starting to come to terms: you'll never look at me the way he did. and that's okay because you're melting ice and i'll savor you as long as i can but we'll never be more than temporary sure, that time has stretched past an anniversary but the only significance is what i attach and it takes a lot of work to be the only one celebrating your words might not be empty but they feel light as feathers when you can't back them up another world, another life maybe but i can't subsist on your scraps and i've made all the excuses i could to delay my return to the world so we'll go through the motions fill the emptiness with each other a little longer but before too long i'm out the door

i haven't decided yet what i'm gonna write here but that's the point i suppose -- to purge all the scum floating on the surface of my brain, to shake the dust off, whatever. today is valentine's day, which excites me because hearts are my favorite colors and sweets are on my list of favorite things. i like the idea of doing something important or meaningful but either nothing of import has happened on this day for me. which is not to say that none of my lovers made an effort, just that none of them made enough of an effort for me to notice. that doesn't mean i'm asking a lot, just asking for the right thing. like some people don't push any of my buttons at all, and some push some pretty nice ones but less and less over the years does he push the ones that i need. and fluff without substance is not enough to sustain me. i guess it was enough for him but there was something missing that grew more and more evident over the years. until i had to leave. blabbit...

It's time to start writing again. Maybe not blogging about window shopping and crazy thrift finds and social commentary but something to keep my head from exploding with all these thoughts. I have too many blogs that I've started and stopped and I am trying to find an island of persistence. Something that doesn't erode away. Not sure where that it but I'm sure that path lies down a bed of words. That I won't have any gasoline left in my tank unless I find a reason to use it. I lost the meat phoenix there (haha, "metaphor" but I can't type and my phones autocorrect is nonsensical). No, I lost the metape or but I am not going to self-edit because being conscious of the act of writing while acting it out makes the magic disappear. And the magic rug revert to a dingy old thing only good to dust the dust under. So I am writing without purpose without a destination in mind. Writing until I move myself to something else. A few minutes is better than not...

You ask me to define freedom like I even know what it's like to be out of chains my mind holds me captive more than any threat could. Freedom is quiet and freedom is peace and freedom's a bullet in the head

Pervasive uncouth unsanctioned ** There's a building down the lane, its windows blackened by years of abandonment and dust. They all drive past without so much as a glance but inside is a nothingness so complete inside is where i want to be send me to oblivion oblivion with you. ** Standing on the fault line, watching the space between my feet grow. If I keep treading two paths I'll be torn apart and tread no more. I can't cling to this branch and covet the ones above but abandoning the girl I was to pursue the me at the top of the mountain makes me free in place, terrified (of the potential). maybe i should welcome the fall, give in the tempting oblivion of the abyss... ** Your mine / you're mine ** Scum on the surface cloudy but acceptable beneath. nothing's pristine -- no, not anything worth substantial (having/being/wanting). ** Beneath the line lies a sine wave that isn't regular but one that peaks and falls at r...

you turn my insides out but only in a good way you destroy the power of my weaknesses and all I can do is thank you. and i feel more alive than i ever did before...

The tears don't come as often now but there's a well of salty water and its bucket never comes up empty. I'm still broken inside somehow but I'm learning to live again Don't feed my lies anymore; the truth cuts deep but it's better to accept the beauty of your life than to linger in the shadow of a dream. Death comes for all men, even you. ** He who casts the biggest shadow causes the biggest catastrophe / shatters the most glass ? / idk? when he falls.

take a step, recognize... the hot coals you're about to tread across. the fire inside you burns bright but it's running out of fuel and the world outside your skin just keeps burning with an eternal flame take a step, realize... sacrifice only pays off when rewards trump penance temporal utopia, you're no place to build a fortress. great minds don't meet on burning bridges so keep yours great and burn alone. ** time erodes what tears don't wash away ** time uproots saplings before they've the courage to invest in themselves. grow on, sapling, grow up to the sky grow on, sapling, grow deep in the earth. ** Look at me... ** Real life intrudes on so many things. ** Pineapple mysteries mango monstrositites each and every one of them fictional Synonymous synchrony telephonic telepathy undressing underpants welted weimeraners whimper wildly xeroxing x-rays exists to exonerate ex-convicts yonder: your younger years zany zo...

"You're perfectly fantastic," she said with a smile (the type of hyperbole that's going out of style). ** What I'm giving up is worth what I'm getting in exchange/return so I'll accept the sacrifice. ** There's life in these things. There are years in the spines of these books There's wisdom ground into the dust on the shelf. But while their lives may have held our memories These things don't hold our lives in their hands We're still here and it will be better soon. ** It's not that I don't appreciate the attention; I just cannot handle the way I react. My body betrays me with each passing moment; I'll be at your feet before much more time's passed. But this tale's a tragedy (didn't you hear?): When it's all over... ** Clouds crawl across the sky ** There's depth in simplicity, wisdom in silent confidence (or so I've been told; I've not been there yet).

Fire! Do I feed it or stamp it out? Fire! You struck that damn match when you walked out! The choice remains: Do I step out from the flames? Or do I pull you in here with me to dance on in the blaze? By the time, by the time the story's told we'll be ashes anyway! Forgiveness may set you free but revenge is so sweet. Fire, burning up my heart and mind! Fire steals your heart and then it robs you blind! Fiery tongues lick my wounds and stir my pain, But blood and tears can't hold a candle to this rage! By the time, by the time the story's told we'll be ashes anyway! Forgiveness may set you free but revenge is so sweet. By the time, by the time the story's told we'll be ashes anyway! Forgiveness may set you free but revenge is so sweet. ** Even better with music: Butcher the Baker .

Poetic regret * Song title: "If Only" * Super hype ballastic action You cannot add but love subtraction don't let a postscript go on Impactin' I can't replace that thing you're lacking so just go on and do you. (??) * El Mustachio, the dwarven warrior, had the biggest awesomest mustache until his battles led him into the lava pits of Farjeen. Farjeen was the center of operations for Dr. Evil-Pants (who swears he existed long before Mike Myers stopped killed people and marrying axe murderers and started the Austin Powers movies). Since he'd had this honorific for nearly fifteen years, El Mustachio kept it even after his singed skin had begun to blister and fall from his face.

It's not that I love you, It's not that I care; It's just that I miss every single thing when you're not standing there. It's not that I need you (I'm not as empty as I feel). The clouds in my eyes are only clear if you've waded in them before. I'm not gonna love you forever, I'm not gonna wish on a star that you'll be mine again. No, that would be childish and you stole all my innocence when you left. So I'll just deny that there's any heartache for me to forget. Some days I am haunted by a memory or two. I barely feel my broken heart if the distraction's good. So, "carpe diem" but I don't seize much these days why is karma so cavalier about the wounds that it makes? I'm not gonna love you forever, I'm not gonna wish on a star that you'll be mine again. No, that would be childish and you stole all my innocence when you left. So I'll just deny that there's any...

Thank you for calling, but fuck you. If this were an emergency like [ insert humorous emergency presented callously ], there would be someone on the phone. Instead, continue to listen to this crappy music and wait for another arbitrary length of time. If this is an emergency, call 9-1-1 or just let nature take its course and weed out the unfittest. ** Is it terrible that this post amuses me so much?

I see you I hear you I smell you I taste you I feel you with every step, every blink, every breath, everything. But you're not here... And I ache with every sight every sound every touch. All I taste is salty tears All I smell's the end... But don't worry: My world ended over here while you weren't looking I just have to keep moving, moving on.

Daily grind: Not all that hard but damn boring. When did life lose all its colors? What am I searching for and when will I find it? It's not that I need something new around every corner (I'm too old for that), but I need a little something more to care about or I just won't care at all. Life is more, oh, so much more than I'm living! Pursuing dreams means so much more than I'm giving and I don't know how to live life to the fullest when I'm running on empty! Close your eyes: What's left when you are all alone? I close mine: So rich the colors! It's the choice that's so hard; when will I make it? I've got more talents than I've any right to have and blessings overflow my cup, but I need a someone to steer me true or I just won't steer at all. Life is more, oh, so much more than I'm living! Pursuing dreams means so much more than I'm giving and I don't know how to live life to the full...

beautiful apathy trendy agony what we value in the midst of armageddon is only a breath away because we are killing ourselves ** "Baa" goes the sheep. The cattle are lowing but it's too low to hear so we follow the herd and we never stomp out our dissatisfaction because we never stop to hear our hearts and they all have the same beat now anyway ** in this black and white world all my cookie cutters fall to the floor and i don't fit inside their lines and yet i criticize myself for failure all because i cannot measure up to such tall ideals but who am i supposed to be if i don't have someone to look up to? who am i supposed to be if i don't have someone to copy? why is it so terrifying to set off alone? why can't i look back? ---> Orpheus?

boomity boomy boom crashity crash don't walk away too fast escape not the past hakuna matata is a phrase, not a sentence. to forget who you were leads to repeating your past and by failing to learn from the steps that you take you increase exponentially the mistake that you'll make.

you seem to think i have something to say but that's not how it works sometimes. just let me speak nonsense and i'll whisper those nothings until you're a million miles away too ** hold me close in your brutal arms -- they hold so much power and yet such restraint! their range of intensity and purpose impresses me at the same time that it scares me to death. ** i can't get away but don't think that i want to i'm scared by how much that i need you i'm afraid i can't handle the thought that you might one day want to walk out of my life

What's out there? Who might I be if I weren't me? ** Take a leap... ** What's out there: A better version of myself? Or could it the curse of temptation / a curse to tempt / a tempting curse (pulling me from my intended/destined path)? ** What is going on in this big dark world? Who here is in charge in/of this cold, deep hole? (What the fuck is happening?) **