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continuing

he's in the other room
and my eyes are closed
even though they should be looking ahead of me
my closest friend is 500 miles away
and i feel like the lack of estrogen coded to my own
is making me miserable.
though, to be fair, miserable is not the word.
i don't know that a definition exists
to explain the lack
of lack.
i don't have anything to want
but i want it anyway.
it was only two months
(was it that? did it truly happen or was yesterday someone else's past?)
i feel like i need to cover my tracks
but if feel like doing so would camouflage who i am
i am weak
and not because i am a woman;
i am weak because i breathe
and i must rely on inorganic molecules to survive.
how strange that the organisms that rule everything
are so ruled by everything.
God only knows that i am devoid of purpose
or do not admit to knowing it.
if i had your contact information
i would contact you
and then be upset at your lack of response
you don't give a shit
(and why would you? i have not proven myself to be more than useless and faithless and unloyal even if nothing has really happened other than a little groping because sometimes that's what it takes to find your footing when you're climbing a cliff -- a natural cliff, mind you, with no neon-color-outlined grips. why haven't i gone to Atlanta Rocks! yet because that would be a great workout? and why hasn't my husband come to see what's going on here? do you figure he thinks I'm asleep or has he drank more than I (just a single tall can of 12% alcohol). is it ok to use parentheses inside of parentheses?)
 and i can't get that through my brain.

why am i still typing?
i need to go to sleep or do something productive
like fucking him until i can't think of anything else?
it is bad that i'm  using orgasm to tune out the truth?
is it truth for the long-term or just what i want to see for the moment?
i can't be sure.
does my libido exceed my wisdom?
i am often distracted by sex and stimulus.
does the effect of the cause justify the motivation of the motion?
how many times have i posed the question?
is there any point
or it is only echoes?
the plurization of english words is confusing sometimes.


who are you?
where are you?
i see you skulking around online every so often?
or are you skulking in troth?
i doubt my thoughts align with reality,.
you're on another stepstone miles away.
meanwhile, i only hope to hop closer
and you're gaining some solidity to your existence
at the same time that mine crumbles to dust.
and he doesn't know.
i don't even know if i'm not uninhibited.
this alcohol opens my eyes at the same time it opens my tear ducts
truth be told, i don't cry often
and when i do it's for stupid reasons like movie reels
but when i do cry, it's cathartic.
perhaps i need to cry and in so doing, release you.
you need to be free
and even if you're not cognizant of it,
i am holding you here.
my desires have chained you to this existence.
can we ever be free of ourselves?

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