Skip to main content

For Megan

By
If you're like most people in the world ... you're walking around the world, happily ignorant of the existence of a man we like to call Eric Hartman.  Well, allow me to shatter your happiness and introduce this character and illustrate the humor that exists in this man.  Enjoy the ride...
Forgive the lack of illustration, as I just spent an entire hour drawing up some cartoons only to find out the scanner won't work.  Wonderful.  It looks like one of YOU lucky individuals will get an original!  But anyway...here's the dialogue for the long-lost strips conceived in 8th grade.
********************************************************
ERIC: Come on; you know you wanna step under the mistletoe!
          {mistletoe in place of loincloth}
ERIC: {poking airholes into a large cardboard box} Okay, theres the last airhole gosh, shell just love this she LOVES surprises! {climbs inside box; sent through the mail in this box labeled "To My Dingbat Wife"}
WIFE: {finds box on front porch} Um...I think I'll leave this one here until after breakfast. {walks away}
TEACHER: Okay, kids...today we will discuss "beatniks" and their poetry.  Now the thing that creates the magic of beatnik poetry is not the words, not the expressions...it is simply...THE BONGOS!   Let me hear 'em!  {Bongos begin.}
STUDENT: Um...Mr. Hartman, could you please stop dancing?
ERIC: I've covered all the bases.  I got the threads, I got the attitude...heck, I even got the elbow pads.
YOU: Well, Eric...I've got to admit - I'm impressed!
ERIC: I'm glad you're diggin' my style.  It's time to ride the hog.  {Pig oinks}
YOU: Okay, I take that back.
{Sign on storefront reads "Belly Dancers Needed."  Eric enters the store.}
ERIC: What do you MEAN, "I don't have the body?"  Isn't this called belly dancing for a reason?  Watch my belly dance!  {jiggles his stomach happily}
OWNER: Oh, my lord!
ERIC: {singing "Genie in a Bottle"} I've got the voice.  I've got the moves.  And I've SURE AS HELL got the body...Where's MY record deal?
ERIC: {extends a business card that has the word "meaty-err-ol..." crossed out, replaced with "weatherman" to a potential employer}
EMPLOYER: Weatherman, huh?  If you're such a great weatherman, what's your forecast?
ERIC: Well, I predict that it will become sunny if the clouds go away. 
ERIC: {Watching TV} Well, if Pooh can do it... {goes into a public place with a red midriff shirt on, nothing else and starts singing to the tune of the "Winnie
the Pooh" theme} "Eric Hartman...sexy I am...doo doo doo!"
BYSTANDER 1: Oh my lord!
BYSTANDER 2: Mommy!
BYSTANDER 3: Someone call 9-1-1!
BYSTANDER 4: Disgusting!  Put some clothes on!
WIFE: I know I'm just your dingbat wife, but do you mind telling me what is around your neck?
ERIC: Why, it's my ice, baby!  Bling-bling!
ERIC: You ready for some full-out boot-knockin'?
WIFE: Um...you're too much for me, Eric.
ERIC: Aww, baby - you flatter me.  Come over here!
WIFE: Aren't we out of milk?  I'll go get some.  {Door slams with her exit}

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ostrich

By
Too afraid to stand and fight; Too much pride to fly away. Cowardice: immobilize Egos lacking skill to play! Games of conflict can’t be played By those afraid to deal a hand. Flightless birds avoid their call Ostriching heads in the sand.  Thanks, Trifecta for the prompt, which requested an animal name be used as a verb. I figured I might as well ignore the dictionary and make my own...flightless birds have always intrigued me, anyhow.
7 comments
Read more

Out-of-Practice Practicing

By
i haven't decided yet what i'm gonna write here but that's the point i suppose -- to purge all the scum floating on the surface of my brain, to shake the dust off, whatever. today is valentine's day, which excites me because hearts are my favorite colors and sweets are on my list of favorite things. i like the idea of doing something important or meaningful but either nothing of import has happened on this day for me. which is not to say that none of my lovers made an effort, just that none of them made enough of an effort for me to notice. that doesn't mean i'm asking a lot, just asking for the right thing. like some people don't push any of my buttons at all, and some push some pretty nice ones but less and less over the years does he push the ones that i need. and fluff without substance is not enough to sustain me. i guess it was enough for him but there was something missing that grew more and more evident over the years. until i had to leave. blabbit...
Post a Comment
Read more